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Moments

Prologue;

          I’d been dreaming… I contemplated lazily upon waking, slowly becoming a sentient being once more; Just like so many times before. 24.5 thousand-days [give or take a few ‘lost’, here and there] in fact, coz I’d counted them just yesterday. It had been one of those good dreams; Causing an irrepressible smile, as consciousness returned for yet another day.

I could still smell the subtle scent of warm-pressed sunlight, seeping down from high above onto and into me: on the slopes of a sweet-scented mountainside, where I’d found myself. Sweet, sweet sunlight, cooled to perfection by a gentle breeze that flowed downhill with the water in a tiny gurgling, pristine creek, touched me almost physically; Or, with a sweeter touch than usual, I mused.

A pair of swift, long-bodied, multihued insects caught my eye as they turned through the air at breakneck speeds. They darted above and across the running water, before abruptly landing on a wide vertical blade of long grass that bowed groundward with their tiny weight, almost to the water. Beneath them, clear sparkling water rippled over eons of water-smoothed stones; Some, the size of small boulders and some, fruit and marble size, right down to those long-lived, rolling pebbles, yet wearing down from their original size.

I love rocks! From mountainous to marble size – rough-hewn or smooth – they have always fascinated and delighted me with their strength and perseverance.

Just above the rippling water, the insects were now motionless but for the flutter of an occasional wing; Joined in insect-love, abdomen to abdomen, on grass that has already ‘polli-mated’, and now seeding along the shallow creek’s sand, thick moss and red-rock shore. Lush, green grass carpeted the ground from the creek-bank to a small thick, deep-green forest, a little further up the mountain.

The view, the scents, the warm-hearted ambience, lent the scene a sweet tranquility, backed up by the half-heard beauty of gossamer-light liquid, trickling downstream on its magical journey from mountain-spring to sea. I can remember seeing, smelling, and hearing that much of it in intricate detail

WTF?

           Then, I woke up again – properly this time? I wondered. Outside the house?

Not in my bed – but lying on the lawn?

          The grass beneath me – I sensed, rather than felt – was wet and cold against every part of my body that touched the ground. The eerie quietness around about sounded dire, in contrast to the lovely dream’s sound and sights and beauty. Whatever this was? Dream or reality? It was pretty-much the exact opposite of the beautiful dream-state I had been dragged from. Dammit! It’s a work day too, I think? thought I.

I seemed to be awake this time, although if not mistaken, I really was; Lying on the grass, outside my brother’s house? The house I had rented from him and lived in for the past few years; Ever since the last break-up… The song; “Alone again – naturally…” suddenly floated by my inner ears. I had a strong premonition that I was suddenly, really and truly alone under the starry night sky, and that, around me, the entire neighborhood was empty. Not just sleeping until the sun rose and ‘life’ chugged back into being – but gone – somewhere?

I tried with all my might, but I could not seem to wake properly, nor stir my body to movement to pull me from the dream, as sometimes happened. Oh! One of those dreams! When I’m trying to shake my silly-self awake, but can’t, no-matter my desperate struggles! I thought then. A deep hunger from down in the bottom of my stomach ached badly for something vaguely remembered: on the tip of my tongue – something I could not quite pin down, yet sensed I knew of instinctively.

It’ll come to me soon, I thought, trying to relax, as I peered around me…

          In the dim light, I began to see dark shapes coalescing. I found I could look around to examine this obvious dream-state also. Suddenly, I saw a man-shaped form, sitting against the side of the house and flinched in fright, before recognising the contours of the shape. My brother, ‘Inkin-Willis’, as we called him, was sitting against the wall of the house, alone. And! He wasn’t looking at me at all; it was as if I wasn’t there with him.

Oh man! There was something very wrong here… I twigged, and tried to gulp a breath that I couldn’t feel at all…

          Me bro was just sitting in the dark with his hands on his head. He seemed to be having trouble breathing. Love and concern seemed to move the dream-me closer. I wanted to hug and hold him, but then I realised he was talking to himself, not praying or crying, as I assumed – and I focused on the words that were bubbling up from somewhere deep inside his suddenly crushed form.

“Well bro, no more pain,” he said to himself, and grinned morosely.

He was bloody right as well! The pain that I had lived with for sixty-plus years, was gone. I searched furiously for any well-known tingling sensations, but even the memory of them was gone. In its place, was a vacuum of disbelief and relief, although listening to Inkin-Willis further, brought a thick solid lump of my heart up into my ‘dream-throat’? I wondered vaguely.

“I’ll miss you, big bro,” he said quietly. “We had the bloody best times, and you! You did everything your dreams led you to – at a 1000-miles-per-hour,” he murmured and laughed. “Not like a lot of people I knew, and know… Bloody wasted-space self-centred bloody people!” he swore, and seemed to look right at me. “But really, I feel guilty bro,” he said abruptly and sobbed aloud again. “I should have got all the bloody house wiring checked before you moved in,” he murmured and thumped a frustrated fist against the wall…

WTFx3000%!

          I was not breathing… It was not from shock, I realized then. I was not breathing, because I could not: No freakin lungs! Nor body! Nor breath, to make sounds, fer god’s sake! Some type of cosmic joke? It ain’t funny! I thought angrily.

Apprehensively, I began to look around – and note the many things I had missed before. Tendrils of grey and white smoke were rising from various parts of the house – and the dim light had hidden the fire and smoke damage, I could easily  distinguish now. In fact, where my younger brother sat was one of the only places left untouched by the fire. A bit of white-wall amongst the soot-blackened house…

          The fire that had burned hot and thick with smoke, and took me to the beautiful dream, from where I had woken, here on the grass…

Disbelief don’t help

          It cannot be! I thought, suddenly urgent to ‘feel’, to touch something to snap me back to reality; Anything! I thought desperately from my shock.

I just cannot be dead! This can’t be right! I’m not ready, for God’s sake! I have a lot more I want to do and finish. I have not finished those books – my stories! I wanted to see my grandchildren! My own children, a final time! It just freakin cannot be! I thought again, as my brother’s weeping became loud and real; smashing my senses and hopes along with any future here. I had a thought. A desperate one, but a genuinely solid thought of some miraculous survival nonetheless.

I threw myself at the mercy of the Christian God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, anyone…

          “God? Are you there? Look! Apparently, I am dead and don’t have any more time left as a human on Earth?” I mumbled crazily. “I-um… see? Well, God, well, the ah… ‘TBH’, the timing isn’t really-good – like, it doesn’t work for me at the mo, see? Any um… chance of going back a few hours? I could go out, and miss the fire here?” I said, hopelessly desperate for another few moments. “See, then; I will have some Time; A little time … just a little more time! For God’s sake! Speak to me if you’re there! Please! Just a little more time! I didn’t know! It’s not fair! Please! I will even take all the pain back with the few minutes extra to say goodbye … and…”

          The thoughts faded and the desperate cry and belated promises were swallowed by my imagined spectre of death – that laughed and pointed to the absence of breath and flowing blood in me.

‘No heartbeat – no heartbeat!’ it laughed cruelly in time to my heart’s absent beat.

I waited, though there was no miracle heart-beat nor answer from God; except for the echo of the sweet wind and tinkling water sounds from the earlier dream. “Oh for Go… sorry, for Your sake,” I pleaded. “I’m much bigger than a friggin Sparrow!” I said stupidly. Then, I remembered the dream that had carried me ‘over’, and away from loved ones, friends, Earth, Moon, animals; So peacefully and quickly. Painlessly.

Yet still, I tried desperately to move – in the physical. To let my brother know how I felt. That I loved and respected him. That it was not his fault. It must have been faulty wiring, or a rat chewing wires. I had had the whole house checked when I moved in, little bro. It is not your fault

          Hold on one goldarn minute! I thought. How come I’m thinking? was the second shocking thing that came to mind. Abruptly, an acceptance of non-life – but not death’s imagined nothingness – comes driving in hard, crushing hopes and dreams aside in an earthquake of thundering reality. Though strangely, also carrying the scent of something Newborn, in an aftertaste that is becoming stronger by the moment; Wow! I mused – if belatedly. The bloody ‘Moments’, seem to mean so much more! Now! Why did I never see that before? Stands out like the proverbial dog’s balls, now! thought I – and then pushed my thoughts toward my brother with all the might and spirit left me.

Little bro, it was just my time. Ha! Talk about arrogance and ignorance! Thought I would bloody know, lil’ bro! Thought I would sense the friggin’ end drawing near and be able to say goodbye – and, how much I loved and respected them all: my family and those life-long friends I would now, not be seeing again. It was a stupid homespun fantasy, Inkin-Willis! Life is a gift – given without guarantees or timeframe. Live it, my beautiful bright and shining lil’ bro! Yep! Like that stupid ‘NIKE’ ad says: just live and enjoy, while the bloody Moment is still there, bro, I think at him, and want desperately to say…

          I try even harder to somehow get across the barrier of life death and time to his dark drooping form, but it’s useless.

“Y’all had your time bro; a trillion moments,” I hear death murmur truthfully…

          Something is changing around me; around him – my bro; Us. I quake with innate fear of the unknown. Surprisingly, the changes do not hurt me physically, mentally, or whatever else there is ‘here’. I often wondered about ‘this’ part.

My sense of my ‘self’ is fading. I feel it leaving ‘me’ – though not easily – but with it go the cares, worries, anxieties and fears of the flesh – that I see now – I clasped to so dearly, in trembling fear of this indefinable, unique, amazing and finite life, here on Earth.

There is also a sense of something … Fine… Warming – without heat – and, very; Fine, is the only word that fits. Now, something else, something new, comes swooping in to seize what is left of me in powerful waves – that feel like the arms of well-being – like my mother’s arms, when I was born, rushes through my…

          My little brother’s roiling explosion of life-light catches my eye. It shows in him, as a deep and abiding form and colour, and I ‘see’ also, that he understands the end of me; my last thoughts… As if to prove it, he looks up to where I see him from, and smiles that familiar grin that I grew up with…

I am ready lil’ bro, I ‘send’ with every ounce of love and will I have left.

Hear my goodbye: Wah! When I went to bed last night, I thought I had more time lil’ bro, but now I sense the time was right… The timing is always right, I sense now, and as with birth, it is not our decision

More humility and empathy shown practically, would have been good in my short life I see… I Wish too, I hadda spent more time with my kids and grandies – mum and dad, when they were here – all those lost  moments…

No sweet Time left me… Treasure the Moments my brother!

Goodnight! Goodbye: Sweet world of wonders, flesh, and pain. May the Mother and the Great Spirit

An end

 

 

 

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